::Healing::

Dear Loved Ones,

It the last month of the year and it seems like 2010 was such a big number to put on dates as I was writing it throughout the year. Oh how much bigger 2011 will seem! But one big highlight for this year will be going home for Christmas and getting to see my family!

Last year around this time I was in Mexico on our mission’s trip. This year we moved that trip back to January (January 11^th-February 1^st) and we are going to Nicaragua instead.

**This is a bit lengthy but it’s a piece of my heart. Please read when you have the timeJ**

A year ago in Mexico… I do believe I had the most amazing team ever! I loved being with them. I was challenged, pushed out of my comfort zone, but I grew immensely. But one thing I never thought would happen then would for healing to happen in my life. It was, to me, the final step in the heartache that I had hidden for so long. To explain exactly how this happened I will have to take you back a bit in my life.

As many of you know about 7 years ago my brother Mike was killed in a car accident. I very distinctly remember the night I found out about it, I don’t remember every person that came to my house but I do know it was filled with people that loved us. I remember longing for my Dad, Kathy (sister), and Joe (brother) to get to my Mom’s house so we could just be together. When they finally came, it was the best feeling I could ever have had during that time.

After everyone left and it was just my mom and me in her bed she had stopped crying as much as she had been and I said something about missing Mike, crying. From there she just began to cry harder. I decided from that moment on that I would not cry in front of my family, especially my mom, because my pain brought her pain. And her pain was much greater than mine and I would not add to that at all.

I did not know it then but that decision to never cry in front of her turned to I will not cry in front of my family. That became I will not cry and will not be weak. All of that stemmed from not wanting my mom to hurt.

Know that without God I never would have gotten through this. I would be still so hurt, confused, angry, numb, and questioning why this would happen to him. There was such peace that came from knowing that I will see my brother again. I don’t know where I would have ever gotten the hope or joy to continue on.

Fast forward through many years, many tears, much pain, much heartache to a time that I believed that I was healed from it. I get to Cadre Academy, then 24/7+Cadre, 5 years later and I am sitting with a table of girls telling my testimony. I thought that I was healed from this time in my life but as I am telling what went on during that time I am crying so hard I had to stop talking many times to compose myself enough to be understood. I was confused as to why this was so hard for me to talk about.

Throughout the year I became the girl that was easily brought to tears from different situations that happened throughout the year. Not that I was overly emotional, in my opinion at least, but that I showed emotion more than I had.

On missions we are split into 4 different teams. After reaching the border, each team went to a different location to work and do ministry. At the end of the first week we all met back together in Mexico City before we leave again for the next week of ministry. Upon getting to Mexico City I heard that one of our teams had rolled their van. I don’t know why but I took it very hard. My first thought was that if I had been in that van, I don’t know how I would have handled it. I’m pretty sure I would have been so torn up about it. The next thought was that if I had been in that van, how my mom would have handled me being in another country, in an accident. I knew that God had put me in the team that I needed to be in for a purpose and I was very thankful for that.

A few days later my team was walking in the streets of a village inviting people to a service that we were going to be doing that night. During the walk I was challenged to do something I didn’t want to do and for some reason just broke down. It was not a shining moment for me by any means. From that, for the next couple days I was a little down. I kept thinking about the accident and about what would have happened if something serious would have happened to one of the people in there. No one was seriously hurt; there was a girl with a chipped tooth and one who had a small cut on her head.

I was just talking to God about what ifs about that day. When in reality everyone was fine and that team was made stronger from it. We were in the mountains during our second week and it was truly a sight for sore eyes. We were getting in the vans ready to leave for the city and on the speakers of the mountains I heard “I Can Only Imagine” in Spanish playing. That song was played at Mike’s funeral. Along with the sound of the song and the sight of the beautiful mountains I felt God tell me that I am finally healed from that time in my life.

I can honestly say that since that trip, my life has been different. I no longer have to hide my tears and be the strong person. I have so much more freedom to trust in God and to let Him direct my path. It is amazing to me that my complete healing came 5 ½ years after my brother’s death. I am exceedingly thankful for this mission’s trip in my life.

Those are my thoughts on the past month for me. I love having a point of reference to realize how much I have grown and where God has brought me from then.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. Sorry it was so long but I hope you gained a piece of my heart.

Please pray for us as we are preparing for Nicaragua. Pray for health as a lot of us have gotten sick over break. Pray for the hearts of those we will be ministering to and our own.

Pray that I will stay focused and will put God first in my thoughts.

Love you all!

Sarah

I may be sending out another update within the week about Nicaragua!!!